I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.