@BryMastas

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

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@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@hog_mild

inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”

@Smooheed

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

@SamGrittner

INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”

@Carbosly

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

@KentWGraham

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

@BowlinShoeUgly

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”