I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
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If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”