I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
tourist season
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
This story is comedy gold 😂
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.