i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.