I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
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I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Plumber: I think I found the problem
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON