“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.