@_Vaginasaurus If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
@PaperWash “I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
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@_Vaginasaurus 
@Petote BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
@sageboggs “OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
@Cheeseboy22 “And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
@Brampersandon_ [around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
@sixfootcandy (Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
@TheCiscoKidder My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
@ChefRonSullivan If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
@AimeeHelene1 *walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
@LipLush1 30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown