I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
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Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
socratic questions
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.