I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
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you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
uh oh
Beauty and the Beast
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*