I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
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damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences