I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
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LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In banana years, I am bread.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s