I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.