I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
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ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I laughed at this way too hard.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease