I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
You Might Also Like
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
No Google it does not
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Never be a pizza!
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat