I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
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I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
fly smarter, not harder
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?