I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
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Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
All generalizations are stupid.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice