I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.