I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.