I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
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I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Optional boss fight.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.