I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes