Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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　　　　　o
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a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.

Me at 2 a.m.:

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

😲 WTF? 😆

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers