I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
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I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
the simulation is moving too fast
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED