I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
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Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”