I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
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Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Name this drama.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
when dads have a rap battle
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets