@fozzie4prez

I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

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@MarloFilms

Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed

@UNDEADTRESOR

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

@whatsJo

Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.

@GraniteDhuine

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

@joshweller

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

@UNDEADTRESOR

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

@1Happytwit

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

@ilovecuredmeats

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

@meganamram

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves