I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it

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Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed


Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?


Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?

Me: After lunch, next question.


There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.


Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!


We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.


Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.


So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.


Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves