Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
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DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Do one person every day that scares you.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.