I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

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Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.


DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?


ME:hello…you there


If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!


i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed


Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant


When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.


I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.


My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.