I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
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The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?