I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
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1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Meat Cute
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.