I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?