I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
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[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”