I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
This is my pinned tweet
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant