I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
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Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils