I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
You Might Also Like
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
#Caturday
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”