I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
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how long have you had this for?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Pigeon open mic night.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.