I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?
me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this