I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
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Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.