I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”