I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
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if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!