Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Toothpick use time frames:

30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it

60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth

90 seconds – Things are getting weird

120 seconds – Sexual predator

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.

Then I thought of you.

*meets someone from France*

I’m a big fan of your toast!

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?