I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex