@Blazed_n_Amused

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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@ilovepie84

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

@murrman5

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

@truegritrumble

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.

@JodingersCat

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

@LMemeit

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.

@House_Feminist

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.