@Tattoos_n_Boots I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
@Blazed_n_Amused I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
You Might Also Like
@Tattoos_n_Boots 
@ilovepie84 If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
@murrman5 [overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
@ClaudetteGGibs1 Good morning.
@truegritrumble GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
@JodingersCat What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
@LMemeit Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
@JCWisdomNuggets Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
@House_Feminist My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
@TheAlexNevil Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.