I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified


[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?


GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.


What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters


Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.


Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.


My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.


Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.