I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
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Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.