Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”