I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
i meant to share this earlier
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
peak technology
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first