i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
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Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
He wanted to make sure😂
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.