I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on