I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Same pineapple, same
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
fly smarter, not harder
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.