Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
They got a point!
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.