@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

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@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

@InternetHippo

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

@ramblinma

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@RickAaron

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

@carlyken

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

@TheAlexNevil

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

@EJGomez

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

@JessicaValenti

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”