I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

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Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!


Me: what’s your favorite number?


Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.


ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire


the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season


Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?


COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no



Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.


*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”


“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”