I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
You got this…
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings