@ilovepie84

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

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@NewDadNotes

Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?

Neighbor: Spartacus.

Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!

Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!

Neighbor:

Me: what’s your favorite number?

@MoneypennyNaked

Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

@itsBABYSMITH

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

@beefman138

Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?

@Proxic0n

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

@aka_fatman

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

@lynnbixenspan

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

@LadyBroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.