I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

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Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.


[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut


Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.


You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!


Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.


I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.


I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.


taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what


I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”