I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Chicago sounds lovely.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.