I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
the composer
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere