I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.