I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
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I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Just ordered me some pizza!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”