I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
stand with me against insufficient seating
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Have kids, they said
The “baby” on the left….
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.