I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
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Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.