I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
*Inspirational Tweets*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The USS B port
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.