I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
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high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Banana is the quietest snack
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword